my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
