I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
