I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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