He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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