Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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