ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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