I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I want to be your penis for a week.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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