The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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