A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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