thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
My ATM looks so different sober.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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