Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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