Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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