The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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