the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Randomize
