your parents love me but you hate me
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Porn is love you can see.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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