Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
