he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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