What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Swine flu is the new snow day.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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