i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
