I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
