it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
