Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
