Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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