first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
its not stalking. its research.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
