just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
just tell him i said nine months
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
MIDGETS
????
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
