I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
