I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Randomize
