All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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