Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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