Jerry, you need to find god
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
