she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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