Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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