take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
