You don't have asthma, your pregnant
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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