I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Hippo gnu deer
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
