so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
