Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
