I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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