I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
