It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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