38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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