....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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