I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
