Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
