his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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