the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
40s are totally the cure
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
