He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
