sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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