Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
