So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
there is glitter all over my balls
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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