This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
