Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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