It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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