Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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