the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
