Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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