there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
